As I sit to write this, I'm unsure of how to begin. That says a lot about how little we speak about grief and death (and I speak about it more than most). How does one empathetically and pragmatically talk about this taboo subject? It's uncomfortable and murky, so we often avoid it completely. What do you say to someone that is in grief? So often we stay silent, afraid of saying the wrong thing or unsure of the bereaved ones current emotional state.
This silence is the worst thing we can do. It is selfish in origin, letting our own fear of discomfort or awkwardness stop the words on our tongues. I've complied in it many times before, shamefully staying quiet when there is a bleeding person in front of us. It's easier to look away than to offer to apply pressure to the wound.
Grief, in my opinion, can feel like bleeding out. Emotions seeping out of us, escaping our control. Our nervous system so frayed from being in survival mode, that even going out to the grocery store can be a draining experience. Anger towards others can swell due to the feeling of loneliness and isolation that we are feeling in the process of transition, while the world seems to turn still unbothered.
Death and grief are messy. The messiest of mess. It's also the one thing that is unavoidable, that we are all going to have to go through. The ultimate shared experience. Yet, we avoid speaking of it.
My best friend's father passed away unexpectedly three weeks ago. In the past month, there have been several other deaths in my life, which spurred me to talk about this subject more. What do you say when your best friends Dad dies? The truth is, I don't remember what I said, but I knew I needed to hold the space for her. All I focused on was providing her with the ability to be vulnerable in her grief, in all its ugliness. And in retrospection, I think that's all you have to do. It's not about saying the "right" thing to someone grieving, it's about respecting their pain and assisting them by letting them express or about share it.
The other day I made a joke to her about death in the Gilded Age (Victorian). They used to where black for six months to a year after the passing of a loved one. While in concept this seems extreme, I appreciate the open mark of acknowledgment and respect of the loss the individual is transitioning through. You were expected to be aware of their pain and treat them as if they are in such. While this is absolutely unrealistic in the modern age, it's kind of funny to think about how we've actually gone backwards in the open dialogue around sorrow and death.
It's not uncommon for this time of year to be marked with many passings on. It's my belief that as a Saturn ruled season (Saturn ruling Capricorn), the Lord Of Time comes to collect. The veil continually things between Samhain (Oct 31st) and Winter Solstice (Dec 21st), the nights stretch longer and darkness predominantly rules the daylight hours. I believe this makes it easier for souls to slip through to the other side.
As a dark season, we are meant to rest in the shadows, acknowledging what is there and meeting it as it is. Personally I find a peace in this, an assuredness that I can be clothed in pain and transition, yet still allow light and joy to trickle in and heal where it can. This too shall pass, as everything and everyone does.
If you know someone dealing with grief and death, I encourage you to ask them about it. No one might have yet.
Much love,
Amber xx
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